Hello Team Zachary,

Medical Update:

Zachary's new stem cells are being transported by air as I am writing this. Around 7:30 this evening they will arrive at the Lied Transplant Center in Omaha. Since they are not frozen or have any preservatives they will get them into Zachary as quickly and safely as possible.

On Friday he started chemo, which went for two days. Of course, this was the highest dose chemo he could stand. (This seems to be a reoccurring theme.) After that he had three days of twice a day full body radiation. The purpose of the radiation is NOT to kill the cancer but to kill his immune system.

In the words of Zachary, 'I don't want any bar fights in my body.'

So they kill his immune system totally and put his new immune system in the form of stem cells and Presto Bam Oh he has a new cancer fighting immune system that will not take as kindly to the cancer in his body as his last immune system, which was far too hospitable.

How is Zachary doing?? If you want to know how he 'feels', re-read the above paragraph. If you want to know if the stem cell transplant is 'working'.........we'll both have to stay tuned. We just don't know. The most dangerous time is the next two weeks when he can get 'graph vs. host' disease. That's when the two immune systems start fist fighting with each other. We only want peace and harmony.

Journal:

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. All day long I've been looking at the clock. Eight more hours until Zachary gets a new immune system. 6 hours and 26 minutes, three hours and 12 minutes.....tick tick tick.

Of course it's only this precise in my mind. It's pretty precise but not down to the minute. I'm doing that today just to torture myself! All day long I keep thinking, 'will this work?' 'Will this voodoo medicine that we call 'modern' really work?' Can you really kill someone's immune system, get someone else's stem cells, put them in and have them not only work but in addition kill the cancer that previously has gone wild in his body? I don't know. I just don't know. But here is what I do know.

I have spent most of the day thinking about living not dying.

I've said this before but I'm gonna say it again. To me, the miracle is not that any of us die but that we have a moment on this earth. That's amazing! And for me the million-dollar question is not who will be alive in a year but what am I going to do with the day that I have? How will I invest this precious day??

It's a great question. I always cringe a little when I ask someone how their life is and they say 'busy.' Busy doing what?? Anything that matters to you? Are you living the life that you think you were put on the earth to live? Because I'll tell you, no one else can live that very special life and if you don't live that special life and are just 'busy being busy' you just might miss a whole lot.

I hope I don't sound smug. That would be horrible to me. I'm scared. I'm scared that my son might die. I am conscious of how many times a day I say, "I want." I want my son to live happily until he is an old man. I want he and Dara to go to Chicago. I want him to feel well. I want to grow vegetables with our grandson Keenan and walk the produce to Zachary and Dara's house with the dirt still on them. I want the jeep we got him to be in the woods with him driving it again. I want to see him walking their tiny weenie dog Sammy around the neighborhood. I want the tumors to go away. I want him to support himself with a job he loves. It puts a new spin on 'get a job' doesn't it? I want him to be at family dinner on Thursdays. I want his skin to loose its chemo color and return to health. I want to see his hair have a perfect burr hair cut again. I want my heart not to ache. I want my head to stop pounding. IWANTIWANTIWANT!!!!!!!!! I WANT.

And the stars align, and the waves crash and the moon shines bright and it occurs to me, quite humorously if you want to know, that the stars nor the waves nor the moon ever once ask me what I want. It's as though...........it can't be.........no way.......they don't care what I want! Now that's funny.

How does anyone treat the gift of his or her own personal life? For me, that's the real question.

Thank you for being with me right now. Thank you for investing your time that you will never get back to be with me.

Love now and always,

Ann