Hello Team Zachary,

What a couple of days we have had! I have waited to write for two reasons. One is that I am at a total loss for what to say. The other is that I have never had SO much to say. This communication is going to be written in two parts. Part one is "just the facts." The second is from my journal. It isn't polished. It really is just 'cut and pasted' from what I originally wrote to myself.

Medical Update:

Direct quotes from Dr. Vose in Omaha.

"We are running out of options." "We are throwing our best at this lymphoma and it is laughing at us." "One of the options you may want to look at is doing nothing."

Since the end of November, even with chemo every three(ish) weeks his cancer has basically stayed the same in both intensity and size of tumors. When he does his stem cell transplant this time with someone else's stem cells they will now do the most radical treatment possible. What they have added is three days of total body radiation (which he has never received before) twice a day prior to the transplant. The intent is to kill literally everything without killing him.

There is a 10% probability that he would survive such a transplant.

The reason that it even has a 10% rate of success is because it is a different 'modality' of treatment, a different way of coming at the same situation. He will come back to Omaha February 8th to start treatment. Of course, all of this is subject to change.

From my journal:

I often tell people (and remind myself!) that no one can have learning without the experience. We want to know something without paying for it in experience. It's like that with love too. We want our hearts to be filled with love but not to break.

Heartbreak is the byproduct of love.

I believe that it is a privilege to experience my heart breaking. When Zachary was a little boy I told him that of the four children he was my favorite. Now before you get all excited about how the other three children might experience this, don't be. Nobody can help falling for such a charmer whose eyes really do twinkle. I told Zachary that one of the perks I gave myself as a stepparent is that I could have a favorite. I have always loved Zachary. I taught him to read. I got him a bb gun when he was a little boy because I just couldn't say no to him. I let him drive our car up and down our driveway until the dog (who was always in the car with him) threw up! Why did he drive in the driveway you might wonder??? Because he was WAY under age. If it had wheels he wanted to drive it. Lawn mowers, cars, it didn't matter. When he and his best friend were driving at midnight and his car slammed into three other cars, I was the one who answered the phone. His father and I went to the scene of this amazing wreck where the car was totaled and nobody was hurt.

Yeah, there is just no way around it. You love, you hurt.

It's been revealing how much we want to protect our children from harm or any loved one really. We don't want them to feel pain but maybe it would be better to teach them that pain, not all pain don't be silly, is not to be feared but rejoiced in. I am beginning to believe that there is an equation.

One's heart will ache in direct proportion to how large it is.

And here is the experience I am having now. It's worth it. Yes, it is.

Yes, I am the one who has fallen down the side of the wall in the middle of the hall at the hospital after talking to his doctors because I was so so scared. It was me who has cried so hard I thought I would pass out. Yes, it is me whose stomach is literally in knots. I know what I am saying. It's worth it.

Why?? At first glance I'm not sure. And why in the world would anyone choose to set themselves up for so much heartache?? I guess I'd have to say that the alternative is to NOT feel love. To live my whole life with nothing mattering so much that when it leaves I don't fall to the ground sobbing 'please, please' because I can't imagine life without that love or those twinkle eyes or that southern twangie way of speaking. I guess I'm learning that it matters what kind of a life you really, in your heart of hearts want.

I totally understand why people throw themselves into situations where the probability of controlling the heartache is possible.

I'm sticking to my equation theory. One's heart will ache in direct proportion to how large it is. I really believe that. But think of the alternative. To never have cried because I was too scared to love. For me, THAT price would be one too high.

So today when we meet with Dr. Vose at 12:45 I will have an open heart. I will be grateful that my heart is so large with love for my family that I will hurt willingly and without regret. I'm sitting in Omaha with lots of time to read your notes. Why don't you drop me a line? I may not have time to reply but I'd sure love to hear from someone today.

Love to you.

Ann