Dear Team Zachary,

This letter is coming to you from Omaha. Zachary and Dara came for a 'routine' biopsy on Monday. After several tests Zachary was admitted to the hospital. I flew out the next day to be with them and to have an opportunity to talk with Dr. Vose. If you'd like, feel free to listen in on a chat of mine this morning:

Whatever force pulls the tides and changes the leaves in the fall to a wash of color, I know that I understand so little.

I do not understand why after so much, Zachary's PET showed numerous 9 centimeter tumors, why his fever climbs and climbs, why chemo mocks our efforts. Why every count in him in frightening low--pick a count, any count.

They are all low--blood pressure, platelet count, white cell count.. I fight the fleeting thought that we are being punished. I know better and yet... I want to KNOW why? I want to FIX it. I want to MANAGE it. I want the cancer to SUBMIT. But no.

We are entering a time of miracles, a time of belief, of love & joy.

This season we ask that our hearts be opened to the love that is everywhere. EVERYWHERE. We ask that you give us courage not to face adversity but to be open to the reality that with love comes pain. That's how I know I love sometimes, because even the thought of its absence makes my heart ache until I cannot even stand. We ask that you slow our pace to enjoy the exact moment that we are in--we scurry and scurry and miss the very best parts of each other and the gifts that you provide us everyday. We ask this season that our hearts be filled with such gratitude that nothing else can enter.

This is a very, very frightening time for our family and community. We want to hold on, to keep things just as they are but that never happens.

Life unfolds as it chooses. That is the truth.

We ask that we not spend one precious moment in pity for another. We ask that we remember joyful moments and build moments of joy to remember for the future. May we wear that joy on us as though it were lotion on our skin sinking in and making us soft and not hard and bitter. Yes, it is a season of joy. That I have the opportunity to love Samson, Maryellen, Zachary and Michael makes me so filled with joy that it leaks out of my eyes. I love them all so much. Yes, it is a season of joy. When I forget, I will think of Zachary's face and the twinkle in his eyes.

Signing off in Omaha

Ann