Dear Team Zachary,

Last night I went home and cried.

Not an 'I can be consoled' cry but a 'you better stay far away from me or you will be sucked up into my vortex of total rage' cry. Michael tried to tell me about how good Dr. Lee is as a radiation oncologist and how grateful he was and I told him to be quiet. I don't want to hear about it any more!! I don't want to run for cancer, I don't want to read about cancer in the newspaper every day, I don't want to go and be supportive of others, I don't want to wear t-shirts in support of cancer or raise money or talk about it any more.

Yesterday I heard an all too familiar story about how Zachary's latest doctors appointment went......well, he had to sign more papers saying if they damage this kidney or leave him sterile or damage his bowels forever, it's just part of the 'treatment.'

I'm partly angry because I'm a good parent. We're not wired up to just stand there watch our kids go through so much. And I stand there and watch. And my heart breaks. And yes, tomorrow I will see the joy again but today---not so much.

And then I remember that I promised, that I looked my sweet boy right in his twinkling eyes and promised him that no matter what.......no matter what.....I would not feel sorry for him and that I will not emerge from this experience bitter. I am a woman of my word so I will crawl out of my vortex of rage.... and soon...I will see from Zachary's perspective and be filled with gratitude for the life that is ours and for all that it encompasses.

The medical report follows:

Zachary continues to recover successfully here in Bloomington from his high-dose chemotherapy and Stem Cell Transplant which was done at the University of Nebraska Medical Center. He looks good, feels well, and his blood counts continue to move in a positive direction. The next phase of his treatment will involve radiation. We thought that he might be able to use the proton therapy center in Bloomington for his treatment but both because of the type of cancer and the backlog of patients, everyone decided to go with 'traditional' radiation. This will occur in Bloomington and will be administered by David Lee, M.D., a radiation oncologist, at Bloomington Hospital's Regional Cancer Institute.

The evaluation process and additional PET and CT scans will be occurring over the next week. This process will determine if any 'hot spots' of growing cancer remain or not. Based on these results a treatment protocol will be outlined that will last between 4 and 8 weeks. Treatments will last for about 30 minutes, Monday through Friday. Side effects will be dependent upon the area that is finally targeted as a result of the scans. The purpose of these treatments will be to 1) destroy any existing cancer cells and/or 2) minimize the probability of recurrence of the cancer.

Zachary remains upbeat and an inspiration to all. He participated as a walker with 5000 others last weekend in the 'Hoosiers Outrun Cancer' run. He looks forward to celebrating his 26th birthday on October 31st.

I will give you more of an update after the tests are done which determine if his cancer is active or not which will, of course, determine his radiation treatments.

Stay tuned....

Love,

Ann